Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast?

The sun is shining, the sky is blue, it's cool and puffy with a crisp and sweet-smelling wind, and it's a beautiful early Fall day here in Schuylerland. I just love Autumn. I think I mentioned that before.

I respond to this weeks Dear Prudie letters with a renewed spirit of brotherly love and affection – the weather just affects me that way, gives me hope and solace an makes the world a lovely place.

Here it is: http://www.slate.com/id/2233828/

Thing is, these guys are idiots.


Tickled Pink – I'm thinking of a word. Simple word, really, it's right here on the tip of my tongue. What is that?

Oh, right: “obvious”. That's the word. Another word is “you are a fucking idiot.” Both are the answer to your question.

Recap: your asshole boyfriend treats you like a fucking idiot, evidently because you are a fucking idiot, and you don't like it when he does that. Oh, there's tickling, meantime, and that's yucky and icky for you. Bonus: he says if you “master” your feelings, the yucky and the icky will all go away and you'll learn to like his being an asshole.

Do you use a lot of meth...often? You get dropped on your goddamn head as a youth? This “great” guy thinks it's fun to make you feel like shit, and you cannot find the words to explain this to him? Really now?

Sweetie, he's as asshole but you really are a fucking idiot. Seriously. I'm going to give you a few choices to pick from for things to say to him. Take your time. This might matter, genius:

1.) “You fucking brainless ass wiping cheese-dick, I said I hate it, and you still do it. What part of “I fucking hate it” are you missing? How about I bite down on your balls and see of that feels good to you. How about you master that, fucker?”
2.) “Here's your choice: while I “Master” my mind, you can “Master” bate, you simpleminded jackass, because you aren't getting shit from me in the bedroom until you get your head out of your ass and stop fucking tickling me. Get it?”
3.) “Yeah, honey schmoobie baby doll, you're right – I am a doormat and a moron, and even though it makes me really uncomfortable when you tickle-wickle me that's OK, because while you aren't an “amazing” guy, you're mostly, um, you know, “great” or whatever, and 'cause, you know, I really kinda, um, like you.”

Listen up, Wonder Woman – you aren't making yourself heard, and that's one of the easiest things in the world to do for people with a smidgen of guff and a few common words spoken in the proper order, proportion, and configuration using the king's own English language as “mastered” by a goddamn seven year old. Try it. Idiot.


Tight-Lipped – how far off the mark can you get? Are you taking after your mom and tipping back a little gin in the afternoons? I ask because while you could simply be profoundly stupid and self serving, I assume you are drunk out of your fucking gourd.

Recap: Mommy Dearest drank herself into oblivion all the time you were learning about periods and boys and algebra, and has been sober for six years. She asked for a luncheon date to discuss that gleeful, joyous time, and rather than admit you're resentful you took all of this on yourself.

“On yourself” means you made it all about you, Little Miss Princess Codependency, which I understand is fairly typical of children of alcoholics. I'll explain.

See, I didn't read anywhere in your letter that momma wants to talk about it to help YOU heal, which you clearly stated in the same letter. You weren't the drunk, you fucking imbecile. She was, right? See where I am going?

No? Right, I forgot. Pour yourself another one, brilliance.

See, She might want to talk about it to help herself.

That six-year “celebration” as you put it is not a minor thing to her, you know. Most people – MOST of them – do not stay sober one year, much less six. She has to continue to work on it all the time. Every day. It's not the cakewalk you want it to be, it's endless relentless hard work. You get to heal however the fuck you can, now – she can't go back and fix it, can she. The big downfall to alcoholic recovery: to get over it she has to get over it. What's your excuse?

As for your “obligation”, well, that's entirely up to you. I mean, she's just your mom, so what's the deal?

Now if you are uncomfortable about talking it over, or of the memories are just too awful to bear, this I understand. If you're just interested in your own healing process...well, you heard me.


Am I Rude? - I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt, because you're young.

Wait. No I'm not.

Recap: You have a small place, and want friends over, but not too many – just the college friends - 'cause more won't fit.

Bloody hell, how can this be hard? I assume you didn't study communications, English, public speaking? This is the most basic communication question ever, and you don't get it? You graduated from graduate school, I presume? If so, how?

Meanwhile, I already solved your problem right in this response. Hmm. You see it yet? Do you? It's right there...

Jesus wept. Okay. Here goes. Copy and paste this into an invitation, you brainless ninny:

“I have a small place, and want friends over, but not too many – just you college friends – 'cause more won't fit.”

Didja get that? Idiot.


Torn – Something sounds not-quite-right here, Your Fishiness. Let's recap: You adopted, seven years later she's 12, you've already reintegrated with her her biological sperm-and-egg DNA donors and associated relational spawn, and now she wants nothing to do with them? That about it?

I...just gotta wonder. Gotta.

12 is a weird age, isn't it? It's a age for some kids where things start to make sense on a pretty deep level, things like people with drug and alcohol and other problems, things like people who are less than savory. These things make sense in a more terrifying way as kids get older, because they can start to understand them, even if they cannot empathize.

So, introduce into a young child's life a former family who “makes bad choices” and I wonder what will happen? Could be some time around 12, especially if that “other” family is typically not around much, that child might not be interested any more. Why is that?

Kids may understand a lot of adult-themed things on a deep level, but they have absolutely NO difficulty understanding the simple things, like when they are uncomfortable. They kinda understand when personalities differ and create competitive stress, but they really understand their discomfort under that stress. They understand if “good” mommy is good and if “bad” mommy is bad and that this is somehow important to them, but what they truly get is when the conflicting emotions are painful.

They may have issues communicating all that, too. They might be limited to saying something childlike such as “I live here, I'm happy.” Unlike that moron in letter #3 – sometimes they just state the obvious, but not the details.

Which now begs the question: why is this so fucking important to you, this reintegration? What's the deal? Do you think this little girl just needed to know how fucked up her real family is? Does it make you feel a little better about your adoption? Do you need the contrast between the “bad” family and yours? Why are you committed to this course of action?


Has the truth set anyone free here, Mulder?

Whatever, the damage is done, all in the name of “her best interests,” and you asked for it you fucking jerk. She may be 12, but you get to carry the message and cause everyone involved another round of pain, which I am certain you will go through counseling to overcome, being the “good” parent. You might have let this child grow up a little before you tossed her into the dysfunction of her former family, but had to shake her young little tree and point out all the horrifying, rotten fruit that fell out in a fit of emotional masturbatory self congratulation.

Ah. Now I understand. I should listen to myself more often.



Yes indeed. Nothing brings out my gentle, caring side like Autumn.

Until next time!

STC =^oo^=