“Therefore, since brevity is the soul of wit, And tediousness the limbs and outward flourishes, I will be brief:”
Quick work today, friends – I am a busy, busy man. Not really busy, but I have to fit all this in a very very short period of time since my job just got hecticer. I mean frenzier. I mean, where the hell is Sarah Palin – channeling the aforementioned Shakespeare – when you need her?
Originals here ifn' you want 'em.
1.) My daughter has recently became engaged. Her fiance does some pretty bizarre things for attention. He's gotten so close to me that his crotch rubbed against my back; and he's undone his pants, and then spent an inordinate amount of time tucking in his shirt while facing me. I worry that maybe I'm being too touchy about all this and don't want to create problems where there may be none. How can I address it without causing them pain?
Not a Mother-in-Law With Benefits – “Touchy”, huh? You little minx. This is perfectly normal, since mothers in law are expected – hell, obligated – to have sexual relations with their daughter's boyfriends. Quit being so goddamn uptight. Be sure to use a condom. If he gets you pregnant...oh, awkward, I suspect.
Meanwhile, I also suspect you have an IQ of about 73, which means you're pretty close to “too stupid to turn on the television or tie your shoes in the absence of an adult for guidance.”
2.) I'm a 27-year-old female with a wonderful life. I was teased mercilessly by classmates. I was a sensitive child, and these taunts hurt me deeply. In turn, I did something that I'm still ashamed of—I bullied another classmate. I teased her about her cultural background. I have found her Facebook page and would like to send her a brief message apologizing for my behavior as a child. Is this appropriate to do?
Ashamed – No, this is not appropriate. Sarah Palin, Sharron Angle, and Christine O'Donnell need to be your examples here, since they are very clear on the treatment of , you know, “those” people. As in people who are not white, Christian, and rich. All who aren't are fucking scum – piss on her.
On the other hand, people who are white, christian and rich may not include you, since there are fewer and fewer every day given the economic climate of late. If this is the case with you need to vote the Democratic ticket, ping this chick on FB and apologize, and go find a goddamn tree to hug or something.
3.) My husband's brother owns a time-share. He has been unemployed for quite a while and has started talking about selling it. He didn't have anyone to go with him to it this year and asked whether we would be interested. He mentioned we would be paying for food and alcohol, as well as his transportation to and from the airport. My husband says we should just accept his brother's terms and then never vacation with him again. What should we do?
Not a Freeloader – My take is simple: make an offer on the place, and give him a deposit. Once the paperwork I started, burn it to the ground and collect insurance. Then knock off the brother in law and steal all his stuff. Find a good fence and sell it. Run away to Austria (or something) and start going to the opera and eating strudel and shit. It'll all work out. It's a brilliant, simple plan. What can go wrong?
But before all this happens, when reality crashes down on your stupid fucking head, tell your husband his brother can go fuck himself and cancel the trip, you dipshit.
4.) I've been seeing a therapist for two years. She's lovely. My problem is, she doesn't know how to spell my name. I feel strange bringing it up now. Any method I can think of seems passive aggressive. Any suggestions?
Spell It Right – It is humbling to me that a member of the Einstein family has attended therapy, as I have too, and I find myself flattered in the company of genius under less-than-ideal bragging conditions. By the way: have you had sex with her yet? Try it. And forget the name thing – she's obviously so fucking hot for you she gets flustered and wants you to slam her up against the wall and do her like a wild banana-chomping goddamn chimpanzee. Note: this advice is for either a man or a woman, since I can't tell by your letter.
Unfortunately, in hindsight, you must have fallen pretty far from the Einstein family tree, because any fucking moron with enough brain matter tucked away in their otherwise empty cranial cavity to breathe without the benefit of assistance from machinery would know that she's waiting for you to BRING IT THE FUCK UP, so she can check the little box on your progress chart that says “not a complete fucking imbecile. Oh, and finally grew some little bitty balls and called me out on misspelling his stupid fucking name. Big growth here, for this witless dickhead.”
And lo, for he did the sunder yon fucking letter writers, fervidly so did he, forsooth, and it was good; for they art simple of mind, and thus fain he dasheth them against big sharp rocks, as they deserveth, you know, some fucking bashing or whatever.
Back to an endless schedule of conference calls wherein nothing of any particular importance occurs. Ah, la.